Ah, home sweet home. I’m back. It’s 12:37 a.m. While I’m thrilled to be back with my kitty, it sucks, because reality has hit again. [Speak of the devil…the cat is horking up a hairball, but she keeps swallowing it. I put her on a towel just in case it pukes. She sat down and curled up. But continues to hork. Well that’s absolutely sexy.]

Well, Linkin Park was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. But I could just be biased because I’m in love with them. But now that I’ve seen them in action, I’m even more so in love with them. Mike Shinoda? Marry me. Chester? Marry me. Everyone in Linkin Park? Marry me. You know what I really hate though? People who PRETEND to be Linkin Park fans when they’re not REALLY fans. I mean, we’re talking me a diehard fan here. I mean, I’ve got LP like tattooed on my face. [Now the cat is sitting in my suitcase. I sincerely hope it does puke.] Anyway. They were amazing. I’m in love. I’m going to see them again the next chance I get. Breaking the Habit sent me into a frenzy. That’s right, KG, a frenzy. You missed it. Hey man, we offered for you to come, but you turned us down. Your loss baby.

You know what I also hate? When you send people confidential e-mails and they send it to other people. Like, really. It’s very annoying. It’s like “Thanks for soliciting my mail. I didn’t realize I had said to forward it to everyone you know. *AHEM* Privacy? No, I guess not.”

Um, and they think I’m full of pride? Hello. Don’t you think if I was full of pride, I wouldn’t have half the problems I do have? Yes. Figure out what you’re talking about before you go assuming shit eh? Number One Rule for everybody: Never assume. When I say it makes an ass out of you and me, it REALLY makes an ass out of you and me. Get with the FUCKING times please. Speaking of reality, it’s a fucking bitch. I hate it. I’m going to OD on acid and live in a purple world with blue rabbits that bounce around and crap chocolate eggs. (REAL chocolate eggs). No more of this bullshit. Stasi says we’ll all be happy when we’re dead. WELL HELLO WHAT THE FUCK AM I WAITING FOR? Who the fuck knows. People are a miserable bunch of miscreants. Die.

I hate school. I don’t even know why the fuck I’m going. Was it to be the “golden girl”? What the fuck is that? Now you say I’m full of pride. YOU FUCKING MORONS. I HAVE NO FUCKING PRIDE OR I WOULDN’T BE IN HALF THE SHIT I’M IN! I hate when IDIOTS open their fucking mouths to let the world know they’re fools. Blasted bunch of idiots. I swear to the fucking Lord I will shoot myself. I despise idiots and I despise arrogance and I despise insolence. Well basically I despise people, because people encompass that entire category.

Linkin Park, I swear your lyrics are dedicated to me, because they all apply. *Sigh* I sang along to every single word that left your mouths you god-like creations. I don’t know how I got this way, I’ll never be alright… Your amazing words make me cry. They honestly do. I get so excited when I hear you or see you, that I cannot bear to watch or listen any longer. (Same goes for Tupac…)

You know when you think back on your life, and all the things you regret and you realize some things and/or people really fucked things up for you?

Sorry Stasi, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I probably just took you the wrong way. Don’t get me wrong, I am a whale. But those pants I bought make me look skinny. Who’d have thought my hips are size 27? That’s weird. I used to be like a 30. Yes, I know, we know, I’m a fucking whale. But still. 27? I think I was shocked. Anyway. I still haven’t completely unpacked but I’m not going to finish tonight. [Crying to Linkin Park here…you hit the spot.]

It’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something more, it’s so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone…

You know what I mean? That’s how it is. Secrets kept so deep from the surface that when they’re let go, they tear everything apart, leave gaping holes and wounds…that never heal. Time is a lie, it doesn’t heal everything. Time heals nothing. Time just gives time for the venom to work.

Have I mentioned I need a man? Because I need a man. Or affection of some sort. Badly. And I don’t mean woman love (thanks Stase). It’s just odd cuddling with a woman. LOL. In my opinion anyway. Anyway, I need a man. If you’re available, please call me.

I’m so ridiculously behind in school. Five courses. Three labs. Work. Gotta get back to volunteering. Keeping my life intact which is more taxing on me than anything else, believe it or not. Healing. Getting better. Being happy. Rockstar? In the making. Working on it. I need that. Music is my solace. Academics do nothing for me. I’d love to be a doctor and save lives, but I can’t even save my own, let alone someone else’s. Plus I’m a fucking idiot. Who the fuck wants a fucking idiot operating on them? No one in the right fucking mind.

FYI. We’re not going out. I’m a whale, remember? Sane men don’t go out with whales.

Anyway, in TO I bought a Linkin Park shirt…2 jeans, then the day before I bought Groggy tracks which are quite nice…a bebe shirt with rhinestones, and we all know I love pretty things. Who the fuck cares what I bought? Fuck this.

Pardon the profanities. I’m not in the mood for bullshit. And I’m fucking thirsty. Sometimes I wonder if I’m diabetic or something because sometimes I’ll drink and drink and drink (water) and the thirst will never end, and sometimes I’ll eat and eat and eat for days in a row and I won’t gain any weight…the scale seems to hit a deadpoint in which it goes no higher, but on the other end, it goes no lower either, so I suppose I’m not diabetic. Mind you, I could just stab myself and find out. I’m eyeing a glass of water I have on my dresser. It’s been there for a week or so. But I’m so thirsty that it’s looking like crystal cool fresh water…

You’ve become a part of me… Holy shit these lyrics are SCARY in the way they relate to EVERYTHING about me.

That does it. I’m tattooing LP on myself.

I’ve let myself become lost inside these thoughts of you…
Giving up a part of me…
I’ve let myself become you

God your music makes me cry...and burn...

I don't want to go to school. I don't want to become anything. I want to write music. I want to play. I want to perform. I want to draw and write and design and do fucking anything but put myself through the Hell I hate. I want to move out. I need to leave.

I swear for the last time...