So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep

I'm thinking I should be sleeping, but I slept all day on Sunday, woke up at 4 p.m by a phone call from Luke. Looks like I'm staying in on New Year's, but it doesn't matter because I wouldn't have much to do out, what with not drinking and all that. I'm exhausted, I really should sleep, but I can't...

The hand I hold is the hand that holds me down. I think I need to move out. I hate it here. There's too much chaos, there's just no peace...there'll never be peace here. Something is always being broken, someone is always yelling, someone is always fighting...it's very taxing on my sanity, what little remains of it anyway. We have good hearts, we're just confused and lost. We just drain ourselves of what good exists and fill it with our hatred for each other. I really shouldn't be here. It's the wrong place to be at the wrong time in my life.

I just ate like a glutton again...MM boy do I feel really good now. I am such a whale. HAHA. I really need to start running but my goddamned toe is broken. Who breaks their toe? What kind of idiot am I? Okay, I'm the kind who breaks their toe. Good point. Fuck I'm going to be tired today. What a fucked birthday I'm going to have. I'm going to wake up to an empty house, and go to sleep, still alone, even though my house will be full of people. But those are just bodies. It won't be full of life. I hate eating so late, it makes me grossed out. Wee Wee, remember your New Year's incident? I'm kind of having that sensation. MAYBE I'M UNHAPPY! There's a fucking idea for Sherlock to figure out. But who knows why? Maybe it's just a phase and it will pass...but then, maybe not. I need a change. I need a chance. I need to leave. I need to get out of Winnipeg, away from this Hell and drama, and I need to be alone. Not alone in my head, but in solitude, so I can gather my thoughts, and make some decisions. It's impossible to do that when you're surrounded by a bunch of fucks. That's right, you heard me. FUCKS. F-U-C-K-S. Am I bitter? Yeah, just a tad. Why is it the weak draws the weak and we feed off each other's weaknesses? Maybe there's more to it than the naked eye can see. Maybe not. If I had the piano with me, I'd be able to pull off some really good music, but it's not here, and I remain the failure that I am, as always. 4:10 a.m I should be sleeping now. But I'm still not. Maybe I should just lie in bed. But that's just a waste of time. Supposed to go to Stasi's tomorrow...I wonder if I'll even be able to wake up, let alone drive over there...it's a long drive to make alone. I wonder how she does it so often! I've come to the conclusion that I'm selfish. Oh yes, very selfish. I wonder if cutting all ties to everyone I know would make me not the such, but I'm not that strong to take the risk and test it out. I'm glad I don't drink, alcohol is such a depressant.

My room is raging hot...it's 29 degrees Celcius in here...and I'm wearing a hoody and pants. Why? I don't know. I'm surprised I'm not delerious with the heat and exhaustion yet. Or maybe I am, and I just don't know it.

Isn't it funny how badly my parents and I get along, yet they're not going to be here for my birthday, and I think I'm almost sad about it! Not that it really matters, it's not like it's ever been a 'special' day or anything the way everyone wants their birthday to be :S *Sigh* But that's okay, I'm used to being second in this household. The idiots always come first. Oh wait, I'm an idiot, too. Well, the other idiots always come first. Such a blah week, a blah month...a blah year...

Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe...

But not very fucking often!

I've noticed that when I speak, I only cause more problems, so I think from now on, I'm just going to shut up, and not say anything about myself. I used to be cold and heartless and God do I miss it. I have Stasi to thank for that. Thanks a lot for stirring the emotions! Life is so much easier when you don't give a fuck about anything and anyone...there's no room for anything but nothing, and that's the way it should be for me. Every bleeding word that leaves my mouth somehow hits someone and it only ruins things. So after this, it's done. No more talking...from here on in, I'm a listener. Whoever said talking to people will make you feel better obviously didn't talk to the whole world. It doesn't always work, and most often, it backfires. It's stupid. And it's the last time I'll do it. Well, I'm going to try not to anyway...it will probably be tough at first, but we know I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it. So I'm going to do that.

Have you read the red-friday page yet, kg? If you haven't, I suggest you reconsider. I don't know why I gave it to you, I must have been out of my mind. It's going to freak you out. I know you say nothing will freak you out, but I'm sure that will.

Trapped in the bloody circle again.

I died the day I let it all take over.

Little things just push me too far, and no one understands.

Short notes to people:

Wee Wee - Lub U

Koby - Sorry I left, I couldn't re-connect. Sorry if I offended you, you won't have to worry about that anymore!

Stasi - Thanks for getting my fucking emotions out. Whore!

Simon - What the fuck does Goo-Goo-A-Choo mean!

HF - Tough it out <3

It's over...bye